


heart of my heart and soul of my soul

by inlovewithimpossibility



Series: cerys' s8 episode codas [11]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Episode: s08e10 Fadeout, F/M, Family Feels, Family Loss, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22479688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inlovewithimpossibility/pseuds/inlovewithimpossibility
Summary: Felicity feels something in her neck pull at how quickly she whips her head around to see William stood by his (big) little sister by the elevator doors with wide eyes and a small smile on his face. Her rapidly beating heart calms a little at the sight of him physically unscathed and she moves faster than she has since she heard the news of Oliver’s death to reach him.[an 8x10 alternative fix-it fic wherein Felicity and William actually interact and grieve together]
Relationships: Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak, William Clayton & Felicity Smoak
Series: cerys' s8 episode codas [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1518755
Comments: 39
Kudos: 194





	heart of my heart and soul of my soul

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Guys!  
> Whilst I loved the finale, there were quite a few things in it that I wished we could've seen more of or just seen at all. An interaction between Felicity and William was one of those things. This is hastily thrown together and a bit of a mess but I hope you enjoy anyway and please leave a kudos and/or comment if you do! 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING (PLEASE READ):   
> Felicity experiences some of the symptoms of a panic attack within this fic, although it doesn't emerge into a full-blown attack. If you think this might be triggering for you, please do not read <3

Felicity can feel herself trembling as she sits in her familiar seat in the bunker, ticking off the list of possible locations as they turn up empty again and again.

She has no idea how she feels right now, she hasn’t for the past month. It’s been all she can do to drink the water the nanny has been bringing into her each day and swallow a few bites of food as she hugs Mia close to her chest.

The world is so empty without Oliver. The idea of rising from bed and going out into the world without him seems so futile and pointless. What would she do? She hardly knows who she is without him.

She knew it would’ve taken something huge to draw her up and out of the bed, out of the house, but she never expected this. Her phone has been going off almost incessantly for the past month with messages from friends and family asking after her wellbeing and offering their condolences. She’s learned to ignore the soft buzz of it against the bedside table, even let it die numerous times only to find the nanny has plugged it back in whilst she’s slept.

This morning, however, the cacophony seemed to explode and her phone seems to give up on its silent mode from the sheer capacity of calls and messages she’s receiving. The loud ding and bell of the text alert and phone calls break through the heavy silence of her grief-filled bedroom, shocking her loudly into action.

She had only meant to turn off the sound but in flipping the phone over to do so, the screen lit up with the messages, the latest one from John, and her blood runs cold at the sight of what it says.

_William._

It makes sense to her that it’s one of her children that finally forces her out into the world. Her legs feel like jello from lack of use and she still feels as if she’s floating just above her physical form as she climbs in the shower. She hugs Mia tightly, kissing her over and over, holding the child that she can tightly to her as she bids her farewell to go and find her brother.

Then she’s in the car and driving back into the city with a heavy weight in her heart.

Her focus is laser-like as she commands everyone into action, surprised and moved by the number of people that have appeared to help. Her heart sinks every time her comms sound with yet another member of the team reporting back that their location is cold.

She knows that they’re all viewing this as one final mission, a way in which to honor Oliver and do justice to the sacrifice that he made for all of them but it’s far more than that to Felicity. This is her _son,_ this is make or break, and her heart hammers in her chest as the panic rises in her. Their list grows shorter and shorter until there are only a few possible places for him to be.

She can feel her breathing growing steadily panicked and short as it feels more and more like her son is slipping away and out of her hands. She blinks back the terrified tears and swallows the lump in her throat, forcing herself to concentrate on the screen in front of her but it doesn’t do much to help. The pressure on her chest grows heavier and heavier and she struggles to inhale fully as her head swims with thoughts. It’s doubly as overwhelming for how blank and empty she’s been feeling for the last month.

Despite the obvious worry for William and her utter panic over the possibility of him being hurt or worse, her heart is hammering at the idea that if they can’t find, she’ll have broken her last promise to Oliver. She swore to her husband that she would keep their children safe, protect them with everything she has, and in her own grief and remorse, she allowed herself to be distracted from that mission. She slipped, broke her promise that allowed her husband to leave with a sense of security and peace, and her son may be paying the ultimate price for her selfishness.

She’ll never be able to forgive herself for that.

Just as Felicity feels as if the room is spinning and she’s gasping for air, there’s finally a voice in her ear bringing good news.

“I have William. On the way to the bunker now.”

Felicity heaves a sigh of relief but she freezes at the unfamiliar and yet somehow known voice. She hadn’t been able to face what was clearly true in her panic when she walked into the bunker hours ago. The blonde _woman,_ so tall and beautiful and just _perfect,_ that is so clearly her daughter from the future. _Mia,_ here in the flesh and grown into a fully-fledged hero of her own.

Of course it’s Mia that has managed to rescue William. Even though the thought of Mia even being here was too massive for Felicity to comprehend when she arrived, she can’t think of anything more perfect.

Felicity doesn’t respond. Even if she could figure out how to as her breathing is only just returning to normal, she doesn’t want the first time she speaks to Mia to be over the comms. She knows how important this meeting is to both of them and she doesn’t want to take how marvelous of an opportunity this is for granted.

Especially seeing as it’s an opportunity she knows her husband would have killed to have himself.

As she waits for the others to return, which they do so slowly and in waves, Felicity leans back in her chair and takes in the bunker around her. She hadn’t the time earlier, too focused on finding her son, but she swallows thickly as she gazes around at the base she and Oliver designed so many years ago. She thinks of the people they were back then and their naïve hope for the future that they lived in. Even given the opportunity though, Felicity knows she would never warn them of the horrors and pain that lie ahead. She and Oliver have always been who they are because of their struggles and the way that they faced them together.

It’s what makes knowing she won’t have him by her side that much harder.

Her thoughts are interrupted when lighter footsteps sound on the bunker floor and a familiar voice drifts to her ears.

“Wow, there’s a lot of people here.”

Felicity feels something in her neck pull at how quickly she whips her head around to see William stood by his (big) little sister by the elevator doors with wide eyes and a small smile on his face. Her rapidly beating heart calms a little at the sight of him physically unscathed and she moves faster than she has since she heard the news of Oliver’s death to reach him.

The others move out of the way when they see her coming and Mia too jumps back as Felicity crashes into William in a tight hug. She balks for a second at how much taller he’s grown since she last saw him, he’s taller than her now and her heart aches at how much she’s already missed of his life, but sinks into him when his arms wrap around her back just as tightly.

“Oh thank god you’re okay.” She murmurs into his ear and she feels him smile from where he’s buried his head into her neck. Her heart aches as it reminds her of how Mia (the infant version of her at home that is) does the exact same thing when they’re cuddling.

“Fliss…” William breathes tearily as they pull away and Felicity feels her tears finally spill over as she reaches out to cup his face in her hands.

“Oh, my dear sweet boy, I am so sorry that I wasn’t there. I am so sorry.” She rambles, shaking her head with a shaking voice.

Her heart utterly _glows_ with affection when her sweet, darling boy just smiles sadly at her with a shake of his own head. “You saved me. That’s what matters.” He tells her simply, sniffling a little and Felicity practically melts, rising onto her toes to press a fervent kiss to his forehead.

“Oh, my love, _always.”_ She promises determinedly and William swallows, managing a small smile. She knows that her words might not seem like much to him after all her poor boy has been through but she’s determined to make him see that he _will_ always have her. She’s going to make sure of it.

After a long moment just staring at him and taking in his features that she has so sorely missed ( _God, he looks so much like Oliver),_ Felicity finally manages to take a step back and realize that John has directly everyone else away from where they’re stood. They’re all getting on with tasks and not so subtly watching the mother and son from the corners of their eyes but Felicity appreciates the thought nonetheless.

Her heart aches as her eyes swoop over Mia, stood checking over her arrows with fierce and meticulous concentration on her face. It’s a task she’d so often come down here to see Oliver doing and the mere thought of their daughter, who she knows will never really know her father, being so much like him makes her want to sob all over again.

It takes everything in her not to walk over there and wrap her grown baby girl in a hug and in the end, it’s William who stops her from doing it there and then, tugging gently on her hand where it’s fallen to loosely grasp his own.

“Can I get a drink? I’m really thirsty.” He asks softly, obviously nervously and Felicity manages her best reassuring smile as she nods.

“Of course. C’mon.” She tells him and gives Mia one last long glance before leading William through to the small kitchenette off of the main area of the bunker. She offers him what they have and he takes the bottle of Gatorade from her, sinking into one of the seats around the table with a sigh.

Felicity finds herself just watching him, amazed at the mere possibility of being able to take him in with her own two eyes again. She’s missed him something awful, prayed every day that she could’ve had him close, and, even though the circumstances are awful and she would never wish for him to have to go through any sort of suffering ever again, she can’t help but be thankful for the opportunity.

“I swear to god if your grandparents keep blocking me on this custody thing after this, I will…” She speaks before she even realizes what she’s doing and trails off as she realizes that his custody arrangements are really not something she should be discussing with a teenager. She should leave it to talk to his grandparents about, you know, if they’d ever accept any of her calls.

It seems, however, that the damage has already been done as William’s eyes whip to her with his eyebrows furrowed in a deep frown.

“Wait, what? You’ve been trying to get custody of me?” He questions, his voice light and disbelieving. Felicity freezes, unsure as to whether she should go on but the pleading look in William’s eyes is something she’s always struggled to say no to and this time is no different.

“Shared custody, if it was what you wanted. I know you said you wanted to go live with your grandparents and have a normal life and I would never want to disrespect your wishes.” Felicity explains herself, taking a deep breath. She’s careful in her wording, making sure to preface herself. The last thing she wants is for William to think that this isn’t _his_ choice.

“Hu… How long?” The boy questions and Felicity swallows thickly, keeping her eyes on him as he stands and walks around the table towards her.

She takes a deep breath and tries to smile reassuringly at William but her heart has started to hammer again with nerves. “Around six months. I tried to call when I found out about… about your father but they told me you didn’t want to talk to me and I totally respect that and I’m sorry if you ever thought that I was forcing myself into your life…”

“Felicity. They never told me you called.” William interrupts and Felicity’s brow furrows as she looks over at him in confusion. _That can’t be right, why would they…?_

She knows that William’s grandparents are not her biggest fan but surely they wouldn’t have gone to the lengths of not even telling William that his step-mother had tried to get into contact with him after learning that his father was dead. That’s incomprehensible to Felicity right now.

“I would’ve spoken to you in a heartbeat. I can’t believe they would do this!” William growls, his voice rising in volume as he turns and kicks the chair behind him in frustration. Felicity watches helplessly, unsure of how to proceed. It would be wrong of her to villainize his grandparents in William’s mind and she’s sure that their intentions were pure at the very least towards William himself.

“I’m sure they were just trying to keep you safe, protect your feelings.” She tries to explain but William just shakes his head with a scoff.

“Like they know what my feelings are! Why the hell would they think I wouldn’t want to see you or talk to you? You’re the one person who might even begin to understand that… that…” William’s voice immediately cracks, softening from intense and irate anger to devastating pain and his face crumbles with him, his shoulders wracking in a sob. Felicity’s heart twists painfully, the sight of her child in such pain making her live it with him.

“Oh sweetheart, c’mere.” She tells him, surging forward and they crash into each other into a tight hug once more, Felicity’s arms winding around his seemingly ever-broadening shoulders as they both shake with tears and sobs.

Felicity cried a lot when she was told of Oliver’s death by Sara appearing on her doorstep with a forlorn expression but it was very quickly followed by an utter lack of ability to function. She became almost numb to feeling as she spent hour after day in her bed, thinking and feeling nothing but ‘ _no’._

Here, as she and her son finally cling tightly to one another, Felicity allows herself to cry for him and his little sister. She allows herself to breakdown as she thinks of how William will never get to ask his father for advice on colleges and his adult life in general. She allows her shoulders to wrack with sobs as she considers how her sweet baby Mia will never even know the sound of her father’s laugh or his look of complete and utter love as he gazed at them all. For the brief moment as she and William hold each other, she allows herself to mourn Oliver for _them_.

“I want to come live with you,” William states determined once they finally pull away, wiping his cheeks of the tears that are still falling. His statement makes Felicity freeze for a moment before her heart jumps in elation, reaching out to cup his cheek and finish the job for him.

“You will always have a home with me.” She promises him thickly, knowing that even if he wanted to stay with his grandparents forever, she’d never be able to move somewhere that didn’t have a room for him in case he ever wanted to occupy it. Even for a night.

“And my sister?” William’s voice is more tentative now and he looks at her with a slightly scared look in his eyes that Felicity wishes she could instantly wipe away. She nods firmly, pressing her lips together.

“And your sister. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you about her but there was no way of reaching you and I didn’t think showing up at your doorstep with a baby would’ve been a particularly good way of letting you know you’re a big brother.” She rambles away and is grateful to see William smile slightly with a shake of his head.

“I can’t wait to meet her. Although, I suppose I already have.” He ponders, glancing back to the main area of the bunker and the grown-up version of his sister from the future.

“She’s quite something, huh?” Felicity poses as she follows his gaze. Mia’s back is turned on them but it’s clear she’s still working on her arrows, removed from the rest of the people in the bunker.

“She’s so much like Dad.” William states quietly and his voice shakes a little on the last word, making Felicity reach out and wrap an arm around his shoulder in comfort.

“She is.” She agrees, blinking back the tears that form at the idea of Mia’s similarities to a father she never got to know. “But yes, I promise you after the funeral I will fight tooth and nail for that shared custody agreement.”

William shakes his head, turning out of her loose embrace to stand in front of her and reach for her hands with a determined look in his eyes. “No, Fliss. I want to live with you and Mia properly. Full time. No shared custody.”

“Are you… are you sure?” Felicity questions amazedly, her heart leaping into her throat in excitement. It’s what she’s wanted for so long but she was so sure that William would want to stay with his grandparents some of the time at the very least.

“Yes. Unless, you’re not sure then I totally get it…” William trails off, averting his eyes, and Felicity immediately feels terrible for her trepidation.

“William. I would love nothing more. It’s what I’ve wanted for a very long time. I only wanted to respect your wishes on it all.” She explains after a deep breath and William looks back up at her, nodding his head in understanding.

“I was just confused, I think, and scared. If I come back here, to live with you and Mia, you wouldn’t… you wouldn’t send me away again, would you? No boarding school or anything?”

“Oh my sweet boy, no. I am so sorry. Never again, I promise.” Felicity tells him, reaching up to cup his cheek again as she locks her eyes onto his and pours every piece of determination she can muster into that connection.

“Then it’s what I want,” William tells her with a small smile and Felicity smiles too.

Her heart is still shattered into pieces and she’s unsure of how on earth she’s going to manage moving forward without Oliver at her side, but she also knows that having their children with her will make that task far easier.

“Me too.”

And as William cuddles into her side, his eyes growing droopy from exhaustion, Felicity knows that wherever Oliver is, this is exactly what he would’ve wanted. All of them together, even if he can’t join them.


End file.
